Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize