That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
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the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
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I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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