I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
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Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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