I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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