The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
