Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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