She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
