i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
