I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
