You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
