we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
