I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
