I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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