First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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