and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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