i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I am full of burrito and curiosity
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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