He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
