Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Randomize
