I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
