You don't have asthma, your pregnant
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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