I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
