I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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