cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
