i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
