I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
