you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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