I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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