I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
