someone threw a dead crab at me
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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