I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
