So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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