I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
