Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
