haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
