I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
