you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Ketchup is God's man juice
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
