I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
