My first STD was from a foam party
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize