My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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