That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Randomize
