I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
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i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
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Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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