We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
