alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
