I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
