Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
