I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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