I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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