piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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