I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
