I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
