I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
