Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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