remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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