I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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