Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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