a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
