just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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